Fertile Mertile

I’m just a grouch. Plain and simple. Getting out didn’t help because I’d convinced myself that I left a candle burning and was to nervous to stay out and drove home.

It blew it out before we left. Aghh.

I’m tired of running into people I’d rather not run into but do over and over and then it makes me think.

Aghh, this is stupid. I am just talking to myself all the time. I am so disconnected.

Coffee. Maybe I need coffee.

I’m having one of those days. Lost in the sea, completely invisible. Completely.

I hosted a meet up this last weekend at my house for photographers. It was actually very fun although I am not sure I got the family photo I was hoping for. Maybe I will ask my friend Jenn. I taught my first class and am honestly still not sure how well it went. I should of passed out a form or something. I sadly have that same ol’ half empty feeling of failure. Even though the little feedback I did hear was good.

I just rarely can see what everyone else seems to see but me.

I’m beat, trying to make 1700.00 fast. I want a lens more then I have ever wanted anything in my life. My friend Aaron let me use his this weekend. I have a 100.00 in my savings and about 900.00 in work, that leaves 700.00. I’m hoping to get the logo word out so if you need a logo, I’m your gal. Seems like a lot of money… a whole lot. I go back and forth on it. A lot of money for my “job”. I should just get this 400.00 lens instead.

But I want it and I want it bad.

I just think it’s unattainable. Sad.

I mean and who am I kidding? Really. Do I really need that lens? Really? That’s a lot of freakin’ money.

Gah, I want the damn thing.

I think I just need a real day off.

Or a money tree.

Off to set up my “mock” Easter set up. And eat, my stomach is starting to eat itself. Not that you could tell, Wii and it’s fabulous “overweight” bullshit. Jillian isn’t helping as fast as I’d like. Someone asked me if I was pregnant at the last wedding. Seriously.

It was everything in my not to cry.

I don’t really dress that well so that probably doesn’t help either.

Man, I am full of rainbows and sunshine.

Christ.

My Baboo (grandma) sent me some old photos. I opened them quickly and gasped. Photos of my “real” dad tucked in an envelope. He looks so young. Much different from the last time I saw him where he appeared to be on deaths door.

Me, my mom and my “real” dad. It’s funny to grow up knowing someone who is suppose to want you, just doesn’t. To feel like you’re so easily forgotten weighs on you well into adulthood. I think it has a lot to do with why I am so funny about thing, why I find myself often feeling so unworthy. So, almost not fit to love. It’s why I can’t tell my kids, “I love you”, enough.

When I opened the envelope I cried. Him looking like Matthew and me a baby. Now thirty with all the same questions I had as a kid.

I can forgive him, but I just can’t forget.

I posted the photos on Facebook. I sometimes get envious of the “pasts” people have. There are no photos of me from about 12 on. I was a bad and unwanted kid. Bad, maybe not unwanted but that’s how I felt. I was so lost for so many years that I am still finding my way out of the woods. Still trying to find out who I am.

I really don’t know sometimes.

I had a wedding with my friend this weekend. I really do like working with her. I like working for her. Someone asked when I was “due”. I am not even pregnant. I’ll dwell on that one for awhile and work at my Jillian Micheal’s a little harder. Have a class to teach, a maternity session this weekend. Lots to do. MOPS Wednesday.

And so much work to do. And hardly any inspiration.

I just want to go outside and breath.

I don’t feel good. I think it’s because I haven’t gone outside in two days. I braved Dayquil, twice. And fell asleep both times… only for a few minutes since I am here alone with the kids. Mother of the year I tell you.

Sissy was weepy today. You could tell she was tired and then mad, I made her clean her room. The boys made me crazy and my head hurts. I am ready to go outside.

I didn’t hardly take photos of this freakin’ snow. I just don’t do snow and the next person who pulls the Colorado card on me may get killed. It’s WAY colder here, way. The snow just kept climbing. Buns shoveled, I baked a little and sewed. The kids were on my computer most of the day. they were bored to tears. We just weren’t that prepared for so much snow. Sissy doesn’t even have snow pants.

The snow is all the way up to the swings. I think they’re now totally covered. The dog basically gets buried. Yuck.

My van sucks and I didn’t even bother going out today. Tomorrow I have to deliver images for Valentine’s Day and well, get fresh air. I am hoping my freakin’ light comes too since it was suppose to be here yesterday, then today but still isn’t here. I am kind of mad that UPS didn’t get it here today. I paid for expedited shipping. Mad. But they were nice on the phone so I didn’t have to much of a fit.

I guess my patience is just really thin.

I drew my first illustration in Illustrator this week. That’s a step. I am kind of proud of it. I hope they approve it soon.

The house is a mess, my class is next weekend. And I have this nagging cough. I am just hoping I feel better soon, Saturday soon because I have a wedding.

I love weddings. Can you believe I just said that?

I am actually really good at them.

Not to mention I got raving reviews from the last two brides and grooms. One of which is a friends neighbor who even went as far as to say I put them at ease and they loved my shots.

And here I thought I messed it up. I gotta have more faith in myself.

I like weddings. I really do.

Back to the snow. I need to wash my hair. I think I maybe will just put my coat and breath awhile.

I sometimes forget to breath.

I’m fried. Tired of people and things and creatively sapped. I find myself reverting back to, “Girl, you’re untrained”. That leaves me constantly worried and I think it’s what takes the ideas away.

I am just creatively tapped, creatively sapped.

And today I feel angry about something, what I am not sure. I want Doogal to stop touching my boobs and for Phatboy to stop tattling but most of all I just wanted to nap. Instead Buns napped and I reloaded webpages over and over.

I’m grouchy today.

I took some Valentine’s photos. Late though, they’d never be back in time for the Thursday parties. I never get anything done on time.

I am angry today.

Angry at people’s double standards and lost friendships. I am angry that I can’t win. I am angry I can’t hear.

Brian talked about listening to God, where does he want me to be. I don’t know. I said something to my mom about it but she didn’t understand what I meant. How could I not know? I just don’t. I feel pings of replacement and jealous and I know what my friend Stacey would say, “that’s the devil” but I can’t shake him. I can’t.

It’s cold. We have the big blizzard of the east coast, snowing us in. My van died Sunday and then we had trouble get the hood latched. Yesterday two of the six back seatbelts busted, I hate that car. I hate it. I am tired of wondering when I will run out of gas or if the very important seatbelts are gonna break or if the hood is gonna latch. Hate that car.

And sometimes I just feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to about anything. My trivial little nonsense doesn’t compare to the heartache around and when I mention something I feel as if I am scolded. I know if anyone else would of mentioned it there would be a downpour of understanding, instead I get scolded. It’s a double standard and I am walking away from it. Done.

Grouchy, ready for the weekend. A wedding. I have fun with those, even if I am “not good enough”. What do “they” know.