I’ve been outted
Posted by girl on September 5th, 2008. Filed under: Just stuff.My blog is perty open and outward. It says things about me I don’t normal parade so boldly and openly in real life because honestly, I am afraid of what might be attached to me, without me even knowing it. Amazing as it may sound, little words like “maniac” and “depression” can really set you up for failure in life… heck I think sometimes my mom doesn’t take the diagnosis seriously.
So, for the past several years I have blogged semi-anonymously. Local board members knew about it, some “close” friends but no family and I never, ever tell anyone I just meet about it. EVER. They know I blog but that’s it, I rarely share it.
Till I moved here.
My mom gave the link to someone first. I will tell you, I was embarrassed. I am not sure why exactly but convinced everyone would look at me differently, I took the tone down quite a bit for awhile. It’s still lower then normal because I am really that nervous about what people might think. Whoddathunk it eh?
Then recently, because of my good friend technorati and my quest to increase my mother’s blog hits, someone else found it. Took him 45 minutes flat. Oh.My.Gawd.
Basically, my insanity is let out of it cage and people who know me, they might even love me, know where and when to find me. Damn internet. I am all exposed, naked and well, vulnerable.
I don’t even know why it makes me so nervous, so exposed feeling. It’s me, who I am and how I feel but without the filter, even if that filter is fresh and is thin. Easily people can see how I feel about myself, the lack of confidence in everything I do be it my photos or my children or anything. My martial issues are open and out there. The demons I battle, every single day of my life.
So I guess it kind of makes me question why I share it at all. Why do I let myself out there even if for those brief moments of anonymity. I guess it’s because I always have wanted to know I wasn’t alone.
I guess I will get over this hump too. Figure out what I feel I can safely blog about without people knowing the nutjob I truly am. I worry will the people who know me without the blog, who find the blog still love me like they always have or think, holy crap, that gals insane. I don’t know.
I do, luckily have those out there who met me because of this horror show. I have met Amy in real life and she didn’t run for the hills. Thankfully. She gives me chocolate and beautiful cups and lets me kiss a baby who I feel like I have always known. And she makes me feel like my photos are special, despite (wait, I am not sure that is the right word, is it?) the special little person that is in them…
And then I have Marty who, without a doubt, always knows how and when I need a pick me up. She sends BlogHer swag because she knows I can’t go and want to badly… she sends awesome onsies and never, ever expects anything for free, at a discount or whatever but what really makes her wonderful is I think she really “knows” me sometimes.
I have been very lucky to find them and many, many more. So embarrassment aside.. I will take it with the good I have gotten from the blog even if I feel like running away from it sometimes… I don’t think I ever will.
Thanks ya’ll and newbies? Welcome to my madness. I hope you like it here.
September 5th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
I adore you and your madness. And you HAVE always known Carter, from the moment he was dreamed of.
I’m sorry you’re feeling like you have to censor yourself.
September 5th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Mwah! I adore you too. And Amy. It’s a love fest.
I recently gave my link to one of my oldest friends, and it made me more nervous than telling my mom. Like I was going to ruin this image she had of me. Then, I realized that I would rather her know me as I truly am than an image that I might try to sustain.
That’s not exactly relevant, but it just came to mind and sometimes I just blah stuff in your comments. I hope you don’t mind
September 5th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Your Blog is you. Keep being yourself, and if they don’t like it, they can stop reading it. We love it.
September 5th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Oyekins!
I am always nervous once I realize people IRL know my blog. I am afraid they are going to look at me like I am crazy. Well, even more crazy than usual. It’s funny- I think some of my online friends know more about my thoughts and feelings than friends outside of the box. Crazy.
September 5th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
The only people iRL who know about my blog are my husband and his ex-coworker, who set up the domain and hosting and stuff for me. And I wish that dude didn’t know about it. Because it just freaks me out to know someone who knows me in real life could read so many personal things about me.
I censor myself sometimes and I really don’t want to. I would say so much more if I wasn’t afraid people would find me. I have deleted posts – posts that have been published for a whole year, when I get all paranoid and start thinking that post might cause someone to find me. I think I need to relax a little, but it’s tough.
September 6th, 2008 at 8:15 am
To know you is to love you! Canape is right, it’s better to have them really know you than know who they think you are. And I’ll second Rosie, too. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to read it. You have smart readers!
September 6th, 2008 at 8:51 am
I’m only here because I’m smart. Yeah.
September 6th, 2008 at 8:56 am
I agree. Don’t change a thing. We all love you!
This is what I live by lately: take me as I am or leave me be!
I love reading what you write. Keep being yourself.
September 6th, 2008 at 10:17 am
Okay. So I’m one of the people from your mom’s church. But I actually found you through WhyMommy’s blog which is pretty crazy when you think about it.
This is your blog. It’s who you are. If someone isn’t going to like you because of who you are why would you want to waste your time with them anyway? We’re all screwed up in one way or another, you know. Some of us are just better at hiding it. That’s all.
Besides. I’m the infamous blogger who wrote about her sex life (or lack thereof) only to have it linked by several people at church. Yeah. I’m that wild.
September 6th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Jenster hit it on the head. We are all screwed up, just in different ways. But, that is what makes us who we are and that is what makes the world more interesting. And if folks read the real you and don’t like you… Well, did you really want them as your friend anyway?