Not originally what I had in mind but still the story I wanted to tell. A forgotten memory card and a grumbly tummy killed my light however.

This works though, what do you think?

I’m not a sharer. Ok that’s not completely true. I blog for lotsa people to see but I don’t share a lot I probably could. I don’t share about my “female stuff” and I certainly don’t care to blog about my sex life. I even find myself limiting what I post about on my mother’s board. Sometimes, bodily functions step over the line for me.

I however shared something this week and realized that I wasn’t alone. I was normal and it was ok to ask. Nobody stoned me for wondering about my period. They actually knew what I was talking about.

I just wasn’t ok about sharing it.

Well all this period talk makes me wonder, what other secrets do we keep from one another? What’s the saying? Secrets don’t make friends. Well whoever coined that one nailed it on the head. I know when I feel like people are keeping secrets from me I feel defensive and unfriendly. Makes me question lotsa stuff about our relationship and how we react with one another. And I am not trying to single out one person here, it’s more then one in my life.

I resolve this year not to think about it anymore. I am trying. I figure I have said my fair share ofs “I don’t want to play with her anymore” and then lovingly joined their board or facebook or flick or myspace. It’s just a title, not a relationship, right? And maybe people don’t realize how much it hurts people looking ins feelings and if I am not willing to constantly confront that then I just have to let it go. So, I am not gonna pretend to understand because I don’t even know why I do it myself. Instead this? Will be my last thoughts about it. Period.

Secrets. What other secrets to moms keep I wonder. Do other mothers take the bigger Fluffer Nutter I wonder? Hide the mint cookies in the back? Do other mothers get their feelings hurt when their children don’t like the thing they’ve made for them? And in the middle of the night, when the 18 month old is crying to nurse for the 19th time, do other mothers wonder if this is really their life?

Sometimes I think it’s sad we don’t share more. We paint this superficial world of happy and cute and look at my smart/cute/sassy/mischievous child. We talk dental work and diaper rash but not about how we “know” how moms can snap. I know I am not the only one who’s thought that before. I know it. I think logical women know when it’s an actual threat and not just a “dear God I need a break”.  I also know we should be able to share so if we do get to that point we can help people get help. We’re suppose to be a team and we aren’t.

Often I think maybe we’re our own worst enemies. What’s it called? A Frenamy? I am not even sure I spelled that right. The internet’s made it easy to “cheat” on your friends. It’s made it easy to make “new” friends. It’s made it easy to hide from your real friends. I keep reminding myself that it’s just time to get off the internet.

That’s a blah.

Today marks day number 6. I think my project is coming along nicely thus far but I am worried I will fizzle out. I had not originally intended it to be so dark but dude, who was I kidding. That’s who I am. Today though, I can’t decide what I want to do but I better move… I gotta to much to do and too little time. Almost have my studio organized. I can’t wait to show you. The fabric envy you will have. Oh yeah.

So Happy 6th day of the year. Happy birthday baby Noah. Off to shower, beg myself to blow dry my hair and start a new day. Maybe 6 is a lucky number.

Yesterday, I sat in church listening to the stories of the Great Depression. The pastor had asked someone who’d lived during that time what the “big ticket” gifts were. She replied with something to the effect of “we were lucky and grateful to have gotten an orange”.  All I could think was how spoiled we are, that I am sometimes. I have a lot of people looking out for me… and I would be so lucky to just get an orange now and again. I am so lucky that I have gotten so much more.

Hopefully someday, I can return an orange to you my friends. Then I will have done something good.

Anyone who actually knows me, knows I have battled with serious depression and anxiety for some years now. This move? I thought it would immediately make it better but I think before it gets better, it’s just gonna get worse (job lay offs, readjustments etc).

Recently however, I stumbled on a website while looking for non-medicinal alternative treatments.

To Write Love On Her Arms

Amazing and perfect timing for me.

Something anyone should look at because I think almost everyone has someone like me in there life.

www.twloha.com

To me? It’s like pulling eye teeth to motivate myself to wash my hair. Adding insult to injury, I use a styling wax. Makes for a nice do and fast.

I don’t know what it is about washing it but I hate it. I hate washing it, then having to blow it dry, hoping it will lay the way I want it to and after this last, very bad haircut, I have to use special care. I should just get it cut again but I don’t know who to go to anymore. Another thing I miss about Colorado.

Weird thing, I have been dreaming so much about Colorado and then when I wake up from those dreams, I can’t go back to sleep. But I think I’ve figured out what it is that is eating at me. Just will take a little work to put it to bed. We will see what the outcome of it is. We will see.

On a lighter note, the family has officially become addiction to American Idol Encore 2 for the Wii. Who knew one could get so addicted so fast to a silly video game system. I am now eyeballing a fit. Will have to wait till probably my birthday I think.  But Idol? For us tone deaf idiots? It’s a way to be a star… oh yeah. I am the next American Idol.

Happy Sunday to all. Off to blow dry my stupid hair and take 4 of 365. Got lots on my mind and a very heavy heart.

I think I have seen this before but when I got the little bed from Ikea for my daughter, I couldn’t help but think Alice in Wonderland.

And after a night at the mall with my 18 month old? I definitely need a drink.

So my original plan was to recreate the famous Rocky scene at the Art Museum in Philadelphia today since we were tagging along with Buns for his job interview. Due to a very foul mood, bad weather and the fear of mugging, we ended up leaving early, going the wrong way and ending up in New Jersey. City folks we are not.

This is, however, on of the Christmas balls left on the trees of Market in Center City. If you look close enough, you see me, in the middle of the beautiful blue ball.

Needless to say today wasn’t a total failure. I kind of like this shot.

Now some really GOOD news.

Buns got a job. One that pays and starts Monday. And one that will save our asses! OH HELL YEAH!!! Thank you for all the prayers. It’s a “temp” job but temp could mean a year. And it’s perfect for him I think… and could lead to bigger things! I am proud of him and it and a great start to a good new year.

I have said time and time again I wanted to do the 365 self portraits. 2009 is my year. Wish me luck, pray I can remember and not run out of ideas.

Dude my hair? Looks great but that mouth? Stress much?